It's June again and another Father's Day is upon us. With the holiday less than a week away, I find myself scrambling for gift ideas for my Dad and my Father-in-law. Both of these men are fortunate to have the resources to purchase all of their needs and most of their wants so this leads to the annual struggle with coming up with a gift to honor them and show appreciation on this 'holiday'.
Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a living father - who is healthy, with whom they have a good relationship, who loves and supports them through ups and downs. For those of you whose hearts sink when Father's Day is on the horizon, my heart breaks for you. There are many reasons this holiday may cause grief for you, dear readers. Since this is a blog that focuses primarily on dementia, I'm going to focus on those of you whose fathers are living with dementia.
If your father is living with dementia this Father's Day, my 'challenge' coming up for a gift certainly seems petty. For that, I apologize for my complaints and acknowledge the myriad of heart-breaking issues you face this Father's Day. Some of your families are being torn apart by dementia - by family disagreements regarding care, by financial challenges, by the absolute physical and emotional toll of caring for someone living with brain change. Some of you are challenged to find the perfect gift for your Father who lives in a Memory Care Community. Some of you are grieving because many of your shared memories have disappeared with your Dad's dementia. Some of you are long distance caregivers and you wonder if you should drop everything for a visit, knowing this could potentially be the last Father's Day to share with your Dad. Some of you are daily, hands on caregivers and you are laden with guilt over the frustration and bitterness you feel many days. Some of you don't know if your Daddy will remember who you are when you call or visit Sunday.
To all of you who connected with one of the above scenarios, our hearts go out to you this Father's Day weekend. This is hard stuff. At the core of much grief (related to brain change) is the desire to connect with our loved ones living with dementia. With this in mind, I recommend that you focus your Father's Day visit or call on connection. Dementia impacts memory, language, reasoning, personality/mood/behavior, visual-spatial abilities and in time takes away functioning of our loved ones. As these changes take place, we cannot expect to relate to and connect with loved ones living with dementia in the ways we have historically. Dementia is a disease of the brain but NOT the heart and soul! With that in mind, find ways to connect through the heart and soul.
The most effective strategies of connecting with someone living with dementia use the five senses.
Connect with your loved one using visual cues such as old family photos or photos of interest such as cars, flowers, babies, etc.
Engage using lifelong favorite scents such as spices, a fresh cup of coffee (bonus: smell and taste), baby lotion for the Mama Bear who raised 8 children, or a favorite perfume/cologne. ie,"Mom, I ran across this bottle of White Shoulders in the store the other day and it made me think of you instantly. Smell this, doesn't this take you back?"
Bring in their favorite treat for lunch or for an afternoon snack. Let's be honest, many of us put food in our mouths for comfort and pleasure. Your loved one living with dementia will likely prefer soft and sweet foods so bring in a delicious treat and enjoy sharing it together.
Many people living with brain change receive very little touch on a daily basis. The touch they do receive is usually related to person care such as wiping their mouths after a meal or changing their brief. Some ways to connect using touch include hand massage with lavender lotion (touch and smell), offering a hug, and sitting next to them on the couch while looking at old family photos (touch and visual cues).
Finally, a great way to connect using hearing is to incorporate music into your visit. Refer to the blog posted earlier this week about Music and Dementia for ideas.
My hope is that you find ways to connect with, honor, and show appreciation for your Dads living with dementia this Father's Day. As always, if you have questions, comments, or ideas to share please comment below or message me.
Finally, take care of yourself this Father's Day too. Recognize there is no right/wrong way to "do" this Father's Day. If you love your Daddy despite brain change, find ways to show him and connect with him beyond dementia. If you are angry at what this disease has taken from your family, feel that anger. If you are sad, cry. Tears are absolutely allowed. This is a hard journey. I'm thinking of you all and holding you in my heart this Father's Day week/end.
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