Holidays and Dementia: Part 2

There was too much to share about dementia & holiday planning in the last post, so I wanted to share more in a follow-up. Here we go, let's be real here... Many of us have a Norman Rockwell scene in our heads when we plan for the holidays. Am I right? 

In reality, our family scenes look more like a combination of Everybody loves Raymond, Rosanne, and the Sopranos. 

The holidays can be overstimulating and emotional for many of us. When caring for someone who is living with dementia, it can be tempting to overdue All. The. Things. Especially our expectations. (Warning: Real Talk!) As we watch a loved one decline with dementia, it's natural to wonder if this could *gulp* be their last holiday. Consequently, we have the dangerous combination of heightened expectations mixed with sadness that dementia is slowly taking away our loved one. 

Caregiver grief rises and is often masked by the desire to make the most of the day, the holiday. Generally speaking, that is not a bad thing. Living ‘in the moment’ is highly encouraged in dementia care. Unfortunately for less aware dementia caregivers, this can mean expecting too much of the person with dementia who now relies heavily on routine and an environment that supports their brain changes. 

Please know that I Get You. I absolutely know that you love the person in your life who is living with dementia. I also absolutely know that dementia stinks! I hate what it does to people and families. Can we sit there for a minute? Sometimes sitting with this reality and allowing those emotions to actually rise to the surface rather than pounding them down with "Doing" will help us hit the much needed "Reset" button. This allows us to refocus on our main goal which is always the best place to start. 

What are your goals for your holiday gathering that involved someone living with dementia? If your goal is to have the Normal Rockwell experience, well come on that is not gonna happen - dementia or not. That is just not real life. How about the goal of simply sharing the joy and the meaning of the holiday with them? If that is your goal, remain laser focused on that and simplify your expectations. Express gratitude for who they are and what they have meant to your life. Help them feel comfortable in a world that is changing and unsettling for them because of their brain changes. Give extra hugs. Quietly play their favorite music in the background. Be attentive to their emotions and behaviors. Limit the amount of people engaging them at once. Let them retreat to a quiet space if needed. Enjoy the delight on their face when they take a bite of pumpkin pie - and for the love, let them eat all the sweets they want! 

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to hit you all hard with some more Real Talk because we know Thursday is just the start of the wild and wonderful Holiday season. My goal is to help you along your journey. 

Take good care, friends. 

Rebekah Wilson, MSW

Aging Care Coach