Post Holiday REAL TALK!!

Alright friends, it is Real Talk Time again on the Aging Care Coach blog. Over the past 6 weeks, many of you have visited aging family members that you may or may not see regularly. In recent visits, there are a few bits and pieces of your interactions that have stuck out in your mind. For some of you, these are more alarming and you know that it is probably past time to get help. Some of you, however, are finding ways to “justify” these incidents as stress, normal aging or lifelong challenges with details, personality issues, etc. I’m not a mind-reader, I haven’t been spying on your texts with your siblings and I haven’t been a part of your whispered conversations with loved ones… so how do I know this?

I know what many of you are experiencing right now because I have experienced this in my own family situations and have worked with families reaching out for support in late December, January and February for the past 15 years. During my Masters’ program, I had the privilege to serve as an intern with a chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association. During my internship, I witnessed a significant influx of contacts to the 24/7 Helpline following December. As a point of reference, the number of contacts per month to this local chapter are listed below. Compare the fluctuation over this 8-month period.

u  July                                  204

u  August                             215

u  September                       192

u  October                           218

u  November                       212

u  December                       180

u  January                         411

u  February                         398

It’s no coincidence that the number of contacts in January and February basically doubled the average of the preceding 6 months. This trend was obvious to me at that time even as a young intern, and I’ve seen the trend continue every year while working with home health/hospice groups, care management providers, non-medical home care companies and assisted living communities. Perhaps you find yourself a part of this trend as we transition into 2018. I want you to know that you are not alone. There is help for you – whether that is Aging Care coach or other resources, please know that help is available to help you navigate the aging process.

Earlier, I alluded to two groups of care partners. I’m going to give these two groups names to help you identify your group in case this is unclear. I’ll call the first group “curious and concerned” and the second group “everybody wake up; the stuff is hitting the fan!” Have you discovered your category? If not, I’m going to lovingly suggest that you take a step back to review any concerning incidents, perhaps even talk it over with an objective friend. Whatever you do, please don’t spend weeks/months/years swimming against the current in the river of “de-nial”.

If you know right away that you are in the “stuff is hitting the fan” group, it is time to reach out for help, like, now! I use this analogy many times when consulting with family caregivers… Imagine that you wake up tomorrow to find a bathroom pipe has burst, water is spraying all over the room and is leaking down through your lower level living room ceiling. Can you mentally put yourself in this situation for a minute? At this point, for most of us it’s safe to say that the situation has exceeded your plumbing knowledge and repair abilities. You have two pretty clear choices – try to manage it all yourself knowing that you don’t have the knowledge/skills/abilities OR option 2: reach out to someone who specializes in plumbing issues/burst pipes while trying to do damage control in the meantime. The point here is that most of us are not naturally equipped with the knowledge, skills, and abilities to care for loved ones as they age, especially when cognitive/memory changes occur.

Over the years, I have made this statement to groups of family caregivers who have argued that they “should” be able to manage their loved ones’ evolving needs because of their love and perceived duty and obligation. Honestly, this is a much deeper discussion that I intend to explore in this blog. Perhaps in future conversations, we can dig deeper into the psychological, self-imposed imperative to have all of the answers despite knowing in your mind that this is unrealistic. For today (because I know the severity of the safety situations many of you find yourselves in today), I’m going to focus more on the immediate concerns.

If there are red flags that make you feel that “the stuff has hit the fan”, follow these steps -  

1)      REACH OUT. It is time to get extra hands on board to help keep your loved one safe and ensure immediate safety and well-being for your loved one.

2)      Consult with peripheral care partners – reach out to others who have routine contact with your loved one– they likely have similar stories that will further prove that help is needed.

3)      Focus on short terms goals of managing safety and care for your loved one.

4)      Establish a plan for next steps as your loved one’s care needs increase.

Please keep in mind that a Care Manager/Care Coach can help you with each of these steps. That is what we do 😊 www.agingcarecoach.com

The “curious and concerned” (C & C) group is harder to identify. Let’s be real, it is SO easy to justify “I think she/he was just tired/stressed/etc”. The following words of advice are aimed at those of you who are wondering about those “weird moments” where mom forgot an essential ingredient/step in a recipe she has cooked hundreds of times or dad could not recall the name of the company where he worked for 30 years. My advice to you –

1)      Don’t ignore these situations. Even if you do not feel immediate action is needed or you find yourself justifying the behavior, write down the observation and commit to making notes on any subsequent observations over the next 6 months. At the end of the six-month period, you will be able to review the notes and determine if the ‘quirky’ moments were truly a result of stress/lack of sleep/over-stimulation of your aging loved one or an indication that more attention is required.

2)      As I recommended in the previous group, reach out to others who have regular interaction with your loved one – they may have comparable stories which add up to additional concern.

3)      Finally, don’t expect to have all of the answers. There is no “guide book” for caring for a loved one throughout the aging process. Each person is unique and care challenges differ widely.

4)      Accept that things are changing and recognize the need for additional support/expertise. Reach out to an Aging Care Professional like me @ Aging Care Coach or start with your local Area Agency on Aging or Alzheimer’s Association regarding community resources.

Friends, I hope you have enjoyed a wonderful holiday season with family and friends. Perhaps you didn’t have any of these concerning situations with aging loved ones. Unfortunately, some of you have. Remember that help is available.

Take good care, friends.

Rebekah Wilson, MSW

Aging Care Coach