A well-intentioned daughter whose mother is living with dementia recently attended my "Sharing Holidays" talk in New England. During the Question & Answer time, the daughter explained that last year, she brought her mother to her (the daughter's) home for Thanksgiving. They had a nice afternoon of visiting and her mother seemed to be doing ok, despite some confusion and memory changes. The daughter went on to explain that right as they sat down for the 'big meal' - you know what I mean, turkey hot out of the oven, all the sides finished in perfect time and delivered to the table, grandchildren wrangled and placed at the "kids table", and the matriarch with dementia lovingly and respectfully escorted to the head of the table for the meal - when her mother stated "this has been lovely, can someone please take me home." She spared the details, but I got the sense that it their interaction went south from there. Her question to me was what to expect this year... WHAT IF her mother wanted to leave right at dinner time again?? What if she refused to stay? What if it messed up the whole perfect plan of how the day was supposed to go?
I'm guessing some of you know me well enough to predict my response. In short, I suggested that she have a family member designated and prepared to take her mother home (whether that is her own home, her assisted living, wherever) whenever she declare it time for her to leave. Period. End of discussion. No trying to convince her to stay. No explaining that her timing is off. Individuals with dementia tell us what they need - often through their actions. This mother was not trying to be malicious or exercise a new way of making her daughter crazy. These are ways that a person with dementia's behavior can sometimes be (mis)interpreted by those around them who don't truly understand dementia. Trust me, I understand family dynamics and I get that we bring baggage from our relationship with this person 'pre-dementia' into our current interactions with them. However, if this person is experiencing brain changes, I can almost guarantee you that this is not about them 'messing with you'. At this point in the game, they can only see their perspective and it's unsettling to say the least.
If we want to be "dementia aware" care partners with our focus on their comfort and engagement, we must be sensitive to what the person living with dementia is telling us through their actions and often limited words. Being sensitive to the cues of our loved ones with dementia doesn't come naturally for most of us. We must practice seeing with dementia-aware eyes, listening with dementia-aware ears, and being sensitive to dementia-aware cues. This does not occur easily for many of us logical, practical, concrete thinkers. However, with a little practice and stepping back to the big picture of what our loved ones need to help them feel safe and comfortable in a world that may often feel otherwise, we can learn to tune into our loved ones who are living with dementia.
Again, this does not come naturally for most of us... if I can help you navigate the world of dementia, please don't hesitate to contact me for a free consultation. I'm here to help those living with dementia and those who support them.
Take good care, friends.
Rebekah Wilson, MSW
I'm guessing some of you know me well enough to predict my response. In short, I suggested that she have a family member designated and prepared to take her mother home (whether that is her own home, her assisted living, wherever) whenever she declare it time for her to leave. Period. End of discussion. No trying to convince her to stay. No explaining that her timing is off. Individuals with dementia tell us what they need - often through their actions. This mother was not trying to be malicious or exercise a new way of making her daughter crazy. These are ways that a person with dementia's behavior can sometimes be (mis)interpreted by those around them who don't truly understand dementia. Trust me, I understand family dynamics and I get that we bring baggage from our relationship with this person 'pre-dementia' into our current interactions with them. However, if this person is experiencing brain changes, I can almost guarantee you that this is not about them 'messing with you'. At this point in the game, they can only see their perspective and it's unsettling to say the least.
If we want to be "dementia aware" care partners with our focus on their comfort and engagement, we must be sensitive to what the person living with dementia is telling us through their actions and often limited words. Being sensitive to the cues of our loved ones with dementia doesn't come naturally for most of us. We must practice seeing with dementia-aware eyes, listening with dementia-aware ears, and being sensitive to dementia-aware cues. This does not occur easily for many of us logical, practical, concrete thinkers. However, with a little practice and stepping back to the big picture of what our loved ones need to help them feel safe and comfortable in a world that may often feel otherwise, we can learn to tune into our loved ones who are living with dementia.
Again, this does not come naturally for most of us... if I can help you navigate the world of dementia, please don't hesitate to contact me for a free consultation. I'm here to help those living with dementia and those who support them.
Take good care, friends.
Rebekah Wilson, MSW
Comments
Post a Comment